


A Valiant Saviour - The Enigmatic and Heroic Zookeeper of Red Grave City: An Exposé

by TehRevving



Category: Devil May Cry
Genre: Expose, Gen, Gossip column, Humour, Magazine Article, really dumb, sort of crack fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-01
Updated: 2020-02-01
Packaged: 2021-02-19 02:54:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22504060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TehRevving/pseuds/TehRevving
Summary: My piece for INVICTUS: A Vergil and Dante Zine.Prompt: A gossip column reporting incorrect and ridiculous information about the twins and their business.Uncovering the true story behind events like these and unmasking the valiant banana-handed hero is exactly what us sensationalist journalists live for. We used our vast network of connections and hunted far and wide for experts in the fields of prosthetic limbs, banana growing, lion handling, nutrition and demonology. Eventually all our leads seemed to converge to a single sequence of words, Devil May Cry.Devil May Cry is a business with the classification of a handyman and contracting company registered in our fair city. Reports and rumours say that’s just a cover for the business’ real purpose and it’s a doozy; hunting down demons!
Relationships: Dante & Vergil (Devil May Cry)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 35
Collections: INVICTUS Zine





	A Valiant Saviour - The Enigmatic and Heroic Zookeeper of Red Grave City: An Exposé

**Author's Note:**

  * For [copper_wasp](https://archiveofourown.org/users/copper_wasp/gifts).



> I had loads of fun working on this piece and in the zine itself, make sure to check out the rest of the collection. Also my first ever non-explicit rated fic!

Ever since the catastrophe that struck our once proud neighbour Red Grave City just a few months ago, our magazine has been absolutely inundated with requests to find out exactly what happened. The official story presented by government and police statements paint a particularly strange picture of exactly how events unfolded, so strange in fact that many of our readers are convinced it’s a cover up of something far more sinister. 

The stories and theories are everywhere; eye witness testimonies tell a harrowing tale of an enormous creepy tree sprouting from nowhere with roots soaked in blood and seeking flesh. They tell of demonic entities crawling out in hoards from the shattered ground, leaving death and destruction in their wake; and they tell of a single hero rising up and annihilating these hellish creatures; a white-haired, malnourished man with a banana for a hand riding a lion. Our magazine would like to stress the sheer amount of eye witnesses that report seeing this heroic man, we’re not making up the tale of this valiant zookeeper, no matter how ridiculous it sounds. The story of the Red Grave incident is almost impossible to put together; it’s horrifying, unbelievable and exactly the sort of thing that those in positions of power might try to cover up.

Uncovering the true story behind events like these and unmasking the valiant banana-handed hero is exactly what us sensationalist journalists live for. We used our vast network of connections and hunted far and wide for experts in the fields of prosthetic limbs, banana growing, lion handling, nutrition and demonology. Eventually all our leads seemed to converge to a single sequence of words, Devil May Cry. 

Devil May Cry is a business with the classification of a handyman and contracting company registered in our fair city. Reports and rumours say that’s just a cover for the business’ real purpose and it’s a doozy;  **hunting down demons!**

Many of the demonology experts we consulted seemed to believe that Devil May Cry was responsible not only for the creation of the gigantic tree that caused the catastrophe itself, but also for its eventual demise. Apparently Devil May Cry has been operating for years in almost complete secrecy, requiring knowledge of passwords and codes to even speak to the mysterious and as our sources tell us white-haired proprietor, Dante Sparda. Could he be the valiant zookeeper we’re looking for?

It was trivial to discover the phone number registered to this establishment, but almost impossible to get a hold of any of the passwords that would secure us a face to face interview. After various attempts, we were eventually able to secure confidential information and the physical address of the establishment by impersonating a lost pizza delivery driver.

There was even more crucial information to be gleaned from the area’s local pizza shop. The owner of Devil May Cry has apparently had a standing almost daily order there for over 20 years - a large everything minus olives - however, he has not paid his tab since just after the end of the Red Grave incident. The owner of the pizza shop was very insistent on assuring us that Dante Sparda did not have a banana for a hand, nor has he ever been seen accompanied by a lion, however after also interviewing some of her staff we’re not convinced her testimony was entirely accurate. 

Interviewing a few of the harrowed delivery drivers working at that very same pizza shop gave us an even more complete picture. Recently there have been reports of a malnourished, tattooed man answering the door and actually tipping the delivery drivers. There have also been reports of another much younger white haired man answering the door occasionally, the staff we interviewed were not able to concur as to whether this man’s arm was a giant claw, or if it was missing entirely. None of the drivers were able to confirm the presence of a lion, however at this point, there were simply far too many coincidences for us to ignore. We absolutely had to pay a visit to the Devil May Cry shop. 

What our magazine found at Devil May Cry was nothing like we ever expected. Our editors have struggled to determine the best way to present the true story of the Red Grave incident and have decided to simply leave it as the slightly edited interview transcript. Hold onto your hats folks, this interview is not to be missed!

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Devil May Cry is a very unassuming building from the front, it’s in a dodgy area, the outside illuminated by a giant neon sign proclaiming the business name. The door opens easily when pushed, creaking loudly on its hinges. The main foyer is messy, cluttered with paperwork and with empty pizza boxes scattered across the floor. 

It’s impossible not to notice the two large men occupying the bottom level of the shop. One is dressed in red, leaning dangerously back on a chair with his feet up on the desk. He is reading what appears to be a pornographic magazine. The other man is dressed in blue, lounged back on an old sofa, reading a thick novel and giving this reporter a dangerous death stare. 

After explaining the purpose of my visit, and how I managed to find the address, the man in red enthusiastically agrees to an interview. The one in blue however refuses, the man in red waves dismissively at him and invites me to sit down. 

[I take out my notebook and begin the transcription]

**To begin, how about you introduce yourself for our readers**

Man in Red: Dante Sparda, the legendary Devil Hunter at your service. [He winks and gives a mock bow] Please ignore my far less attractive twin Vergil [Dante makes air quotes] “The Alpha and the Omega” [Dante finishes his air quotes and begins laughing hysterically before apologising]

**Would you mind telling our readers a little bit about your business and what exactly it is you do here**

D: Well Darlin’ [Dante winks again] we kill devils, demons, whatever you wanna call them. The barrier between hell and this world ain’t exactly air tight and sometimes things slip through. It’s our job to send them back to hell.

**A few months ago, your words would have been dismissed as mere fantasy, however after the recent events in Red Grave city, they have far more weight. Do you have any insight into the Red Grave catastrophe? And have you heard about the valiant saviour zookeeper of Red Grave City?**

D: Zookeeper?

**Many eye witnesses report the presence of a man single handedly exterminating many of the demons. He is consistently described as having white-hair, being malnourished and tattooed, with bananas for a hand and riding on a great lion.**

D: [Dante laughs hysterically and turns to Vergil] Do you hear that Verge? [Vergil does not look up and gives no reaction]

D: I know who your zookeeper is. It’s two people. My idiot brother [Dante motions to Vergil who now does look up from his book] decided that he wanted more power. He figured the best way to achieve that was to split himself in half. One of those halves became a pain-in-the-ass hell demon with gardening as a hobby. The other half became a poetry spouting, emo-goth, who could summon creatures to fight for him, that’s your lion-man. 

D: The other one you’re looking for is Nero, Vergil’s kid, he’s also in the family business. He had a demon claw for an arm, until one day daddy showed up, ripped it off and left him bleeding out on the floor. Classic Vergil. One of Nero’s fake arms was shaped like bananas, don’t know why, again he’s not my kid, not charming enough to be half me. [Dante winks]

[Vergil clears his throat and begins to speak]

V: You will find brother, there was nobody in existence that thought Nero was your offspring. You realise that in order to have a child, there are specific acts that you are required to participate in.

[The atmosphere in the office immediately changes, like it has become charged with electricity. I’m suddenly filled with a vague notion of fear and dread]

D: [Dante becomes immediately defensive] Shut up Vergil. At least I know what a condom is. 

V: [Vergil sighs] If you had ever actually tried to use one brother, you would have found that they are not compatible with our demon physiology.

[The twins look like they are about to brawl with each other. I decide to speak to remind them I’m here, I’m not sure if it’s the best idea]

**[I clear my throat] I can’t help but hear you mentioned demon physiology, would you mind elaborating on that?**

D: Vergil and I are half devil. Mum was human, dad was one of the strongest demons to ever exist.

V: Is it wise to tell a stranger such things Dante?

D: [Dante shrugs and turns to Vergil] I dunno Vergil, was it wise for you to try and cause the apocalypse because of your skincare issues? [Dante laughs] Anyway, we’re stronger, faster, harder and have much more stamina [Dante winks again] than a normal human. 

V: [Vergil looks at Dante with distaste] And more difficult to kill. Unfortunately.

[Dante sticks his tongue out at Vergil] 

[Vergil appears to have had enough. He stands up and moves into a half crouch. I notice he is holding the hilt of a long katana and is poised like he is ready to strike. I think I should leave]

**Right. That’s all I need from the two of you. I’m going to head off now.**

[The twins both ignore me, too focused on each other. I stand up to leave the office. I am just turning the handle when I hear the clash of metal. I turn around against my better judgement and see Dante impaled through the chest by a long katana sheath. I quickly throw open the door and run outside]

D: [I can hear Dante yelling at me before the door closes] Call me if you want a good time. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And there it is readers; the unbelievable true story of what happened in Red Grave City and the real identities of our heroic zookeeper. We know that there are still so many unanswered questions regarding this story, but never fear, a journalist’s job is never truly finished. Stay tuned for part two of our exposé in next month’s issue!

  
  



End file.
